You’re just asking for it

If you look on the sidebar, you will see that I’ve rejoined the dark forces and decided to continue on with my puny Facebook account, going so far as creating a widget.  Don’t worry – I have yet to send anyone any ‘gifts’ from their totally ridiculous and totally virtual marketplace giftshop (you give money to ’send’ a little icon to someone – I know, WTF).  But I’m opening up to at least maintaining a presence there, for example, possibly adding some cool apps to my profile (yikes, listen to me: “Apps,” like I know what I’m talking about). 

From what I remember from my last job, this whole apps-for-Facebook thing is pretty popular, with a lot of amateur developers submitting their own apps alongside the big boys (read: guys who actually get paid to make apps); a couple of my direct supervisors mentioned it a few times and now that I see the list available, I could see why the public and companies and businesses are embracing it as a new form of expression and marketing. 

As I write this, there are well over 12,000 apps available on Facebook for all your personalizing delights.  I’ve seen a few other profiles and you can get pretty creative and complicated with them, setting up your own little world, not unlike the spread of the daily newspaper.  I was thinking of just adding a simple astrology app first, nothing too heavy or involved – just something for fun.  But as I went through the list of apps, I became increasingly tense as a lot of the apps listed almost seemed to exist just to set up a giant, ironic trap for me; honestly, someone like me is just asking for it if they decide to put the ‘Are you a bitch?’ or ‘Are you hot or not?’ apps on their profile.  If you give the public a choice between marking you as something good or something bad, chances are, if you thought about it enough to actually seek the answer out, you’re probably going to end up as something bad (a bitch or totally not in the case of my examples).

Since there were thousands of apps to sift through, I knew I would have to stop at some point, and stop I did on page 64 (I don’t know what number that put me at).   Still, I managed to gather a pretty good list of Facebook apps that I personally could not add because the answer would be too obvious and too sad.  Note that the titles listed here are the exact titles and exact spellings; nothing was paraphrased or censored – I just added my commentary.

• HOT or NOT
• What fruit are you?
• Have Sex! – The short description says “Browse profiles of hot looking people and Have Sex! with them in different positions and places! Put a “Have Sex!” button on your profile so your friends can Have Sex! with you.”  I’d consider this for laughs, if it weren’t for the fact that the text ‘Have Sex’ is totally off-center inside the circle (I’m sorry, but it just makes it look even cheaper).  The highlight of this particular app is one particular discussion topic suggested by one, lonely dude titled ‘[H]ow we can make it real???????’ (only one other guy responded - sad).
• Are you color blind? – Funny only because how sad would it be to find out, on Facebook no less, that you’re fucking color blind?
• Reputation – Apparently, your friends and family can rate you based on your “…[t]rustworthiness, [i]nfluence,
  [i]ntelligence, [h]appiness, and [c]oolness.”  Phew! That was a close one!  I have neither close friends nor close family – what does that mean?
• Human Pets – I think this got lost in translation somehow.
• What’s your stripper name? – Dude, my mother named me Jasmine.  End of story.
• Circle of Trust – The dev describes this app as gathering “…trustworthiness ratings across your network and tells you who you can trust and who you can’t.” Fuck, man.  What are they trying to do – get me to spend more money on therapists and anti-depressants??
• SexyPoke! – A variant on the standard, Facebook ‘Poke’ function, this app is supposed to allow you to “[t]ie them up, do a strip tease, eat whipped cream out of their bellybutton, and many more… “  Why don’t they just cut the crap and make a ‘Penis Poke’ app?  Because that’s what I’m reading here: ‘Hehehe, let me poke you with my penis. Heheheh.”
• Dope Wars – So sick and subversive, I was sooo tempted to get this one.  I especially love how the dev sells the app: “Deal 4 kinds of dope in 5 parts of town. Buy guns, trucks, boats, and warehouses. Fight your friends, the cops, and the DEA. Get hotties, and become a cartel boss.”  Fuck yeah motherfucker!
• How Sexy Is Your Name? – My name is Jasmine.  I’m betting it’s sexier than yours.
• Popularity – ‘Nuff said.
• Which Disney Princess Are You? – Which one do you think I am?
• Make A Baby! – With this app, you can “[m]ake babies with your friends! Fill in your skin color, eye color, etc. and see if your baby gets those looks. You can also make a baby alone or adopt someone else’s. Add a baby to your profile and let your friends hug, cuddle and scold it.”  I’m usually really cool with babies but not virtual babies.  This is just another reminder of how I’m pretty much wasting my eggs and will never pro-create.  I love life!
• Are you a bitch? – We’ve met, right?
• Marry Me, Sex Me, Kill Me – A possible relative of the aforementioned ‘Are you a bitch?’ app.  I already know what the answer will be – it involves me getting run out of town, as the townspeople hurl their torches at me.
• What Mental Disorder Do You Have? – OK, way too close to home. 
• Would You Date Me?
• Are You a Hottie or a Cutie?
• FaceDouble Celebrity Look-alike – Troublesome for me because I just know this app will somehow be a total bitch and, first of all, compare me to a dude, and secondly, the dude will be someone like Lionel Ritchie, or, at the very best, Johnny Depp. 
• Are You a Sex Machine or a Love Doctor? – Neither – from the looks of things, I’m a ‘Ball Buster.’
• Good vs. Evil – Described as an app to see if you’re good or evil, based on what your friends say.  I know this is meant to be cute but for me, it’s just too dangerous.
• What Animal Are You? – I imagine I’d get the more rotund animals like a panda or a hippo or a pig.  Bitches.
• Are You Normal? – This does not deserve a response.
• What Drug Are You? - I’d probably get something with less status cache like some over-the-counter one like Midol or exLax.
• How stupid are you? – Insultingly enough, complete with a picture of Albert Einstein (I’d sue if I were his estate).  As for me, ‘Stupid enough to be working on a blog on social networking on a Friday night.’
• How will you die?
• What serial killer are you?
• What disaster are you? – A very judgmental app as it already assumes, right off the bat, that you’re some schizo virago….
• What dictator are you?
• What crime are you?  – This app would fucking break.
• What sex toy are you?
• Are You Porn Star Material? – I repeat: my name is Jasmine.
• How fat are you? – If the fact that you’ve been on your ass for several hours tending to a virtual life doesn’t tell you anything, you’re probably fat as hell.
• Poo Fight – Where you can “[f]ling poo at your friends!”  OK, I was just going to TP their house but this takes it an extra step further.
• PENIS or VAGINA? – I’ll just bring my own, reusable bag, thanks.
• Are U CrAzY?
• What Simpsons character are you? – I’ve actually, seriously thought about this question on my own and I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m a strange mixture of half Moe and half Marge, if you can wrap your head around that one.
• Date of Death Calculator
• Addicted to Boy Meets World – What kind of world do we live in where there are actually people who are addicted to that lame-ass show??
• Love Me – Touted as the app that lets you “[s]hare your love and affection with friends,significant others, mistresses, partners, crushes, and secret admirers by sending them some virtual love!”  ‘Mistresses’??
• Are you a loser? – Back off, jerk.
• How Many Five Year Olds Could You Take In A Fight? – Whoever wrote this app should not be allowed near children.
• How ghetto are you? – Dude, if you managed to get on the Internet, if you especially know what an ‘app’ is, I guarentee you are not very ghetto as I’m thinking there aren’t a lot of Computer Science majors in the ghetto.
• What’s your Pornstar Name? – Nothing new here but the app picture is particularly interesting….
• Paris or Britney? – I’ll take ‘PENIS,’ please.
• What’s your Gangsta Name? – The same one I have now, except spelled ‘GazMyyn.’
• Am I Cross Eyed… – If you were able to read the title, I think you’ll be fine.

Here is where I stopped, ironically enough, at the ‘Am I Cross Eyed…’ app, right when my brain was starting to boil and when I started seeing double.  I’m sure there are more apps to blow your mind but I can’t take staring at the screen for too long so I’m just going to leave it at that.